I’ve slowly started to forgive myself. For the memories, the stories, and the seasons of my past that still sting when I think about them. I’ve put myself through dark valleys and some extremely messy situations that have been hard to let go of. Honestly, forgiving myself is one of the toughest things I’ve ever had to do. But it’s a work in progress, and I know God is helping me through it even in the quietest of my prayers.

I can see Him working in me, but man… it’s not easy. I’m constantly reminding myself to look for the goodness that came out of those messy seasons.

“And now what are you waiting for? Get up, be baptized and wash your sins away, calling on his name.”
— Acts 22:16 (NIV)

It sounds so simple when you read it, doesn’t it? But coming to Jesus and truly repenting…it’s a lot easier said than done. I remember joining a Bible study in Salzburg, Austria with a group of girls, and one of the first things we did was a workshop on repentance. To be completely honest, I didn’t even know what repenting meant at the time.

What I learned is that repentance means coming to Jesus with your whole heart, being honest about your sins, about your past, and laying it all at His feet. It means coming clean. For me, that felt like asking for a million dollars. The idea of facing all the shameful memories I had tucked away, the ones I had worked so hard to forget – was terrifying.

I’ve always been really good at stuffing those painful memories into a mental storage bin and pretending they never happened. But I’ve come to realize that hiding them doesn’t heal them. They resurface eventually, sometimes when you least expect it and often in your relationships.

Like I said, I’m still working on forgiving myself for some of the choices I’ve made, some that still embarrass me deeply. I remember something Pastor Ashley from CCV once said in a sermon:
“The devil wants you to sit in your shame.”
That stuck with me. It comes to mind a lot when I catch myself spiraling in regret. I’ve always been hard on myself – that’s nothing new – but I’m learning that forgiveness, especially self-forgiveness, isn’t something I can do on my own. So I’ve been praying over the past few years that God would show me how to give myself grace.

“He has shown kindness by giving you rain from heaven and crops in their seasons;
He provides you with plenty of food and fills your hearts with joy.”
— Acts 14:17 (NIV)

This verse is a powerful reminder for me. It helps me look for signs of grace because they’re everywhere. Even in the past few months, I’ve seen how God has provided for me in ways I didn’t expect. He never left me empty. He gave me everything I needed and so much more.

And more than anything, He gave me my daughter. My greatest blessing and the most beautiful miracle I’ve ever experienced. When I look at her, I see the goodness of God. I see His grace, staring right back at me. I’m in the thick of life right now, but I can honestly say I’m also in the most joyful season I’ve ever lived. My heart is full, and every day I thank God for choosing me to be her mom.

Even though there are things I’ve done that make me feel unworthy, God continues to show up, providing, redeeming, healing. He’s given me experiences I thought were lost because of my past choices. But God… He makes a way. He always does. And the beauty of His forgiveness is something you truly have to experience to understand.